Here’s the latest reader question, along with my reply!
Brad writes: I just read the article about the situation with your mom and was wondering whether you could just bring her home? Is she required to remain “locked down”?
My reply: My understanding is that every state-sanctioned “care” facility – which of course is all of them, since it is illegal to care for the elderly without government sanction – demand and require the same state-decreed Sickness Kabuki, so there is no point in moving her from one facility to another and, regardless, she is only allowed to be moved to a state-sanctioned facility.
This means that while in theory my home is an option it really isn’t because it is not “approved” and not feasible to get it “approved” due to various “hazards” that cannot be ameliorated without basically remodeling the house at tremendous cost, which I cannot afford to do.
Then there is the issue of care. I am not “qualified” – and to be fair, probably could not do this job regardless because it would be a full-time and 24-hour job that would probably make it impossible for me to do my job, which would then leave me broke… and unable to care for myself as well.
It’s an impossible situation. Like so many others, I never imagined things would get this crazy -this soon. But they have – and now what to do?
I wish I knew.
. . .
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eric, the doctor that made the diagnosis of my dad told my sister and I that if we tried to take care of him, we’d be dead before he was. We thought he was an asshole……and he was, but he was right.
It almost came to be when we decided we’d do it anyway. It’s not a 24 hour job for 2 people. It was a 24 hour job for 3 people. My dad was worse off than your mother was but maybe not is. He had physical problems too. He couldn’t remember his recliner stood straight up and would lay you back to any position you liked. He’d get laid down, wake up and we’d find him trying to fight his way out of it when he only needed to use the remote and have it stand him back up on his feet. I wish I had the damned thing now.
But it took one hell of a toll on us and just when you know exactly where they are and you have a little chore within hearing range you need to do, no telling what you’ll find when you hear something not quite right or something you know is a bad situation.
But finding a better place is possible……if you can afford it. He was too far gone for assisted living but we managed to get him in one. It really didn’t work out very well after a while. We had to take his pickup keys away and pretend we couldn’t find them to avoid him being bent out of shape.
Had to lock the doors from the inside so he couldn’t get out. We’d get a call at midnight from someone telling us he was standing in the middle of a nearly US highway in the dark just looking around, probably wondering why the restaurant wasn’t open at midnight or just trying to figure out where he was. You have my utmost sympathy and that very much includes your sister and especially your mother.
Nearly 2 years before he got bad, we were out in the pasture and he was looking at the cattle and we were having a god conversation(it happened now and then)about the cattle and all that goes with it. But he wasn’t really there and it was all I could do to hold myself together. I really loved my dad and thought he was THE nicest man I knew and still do. But that day, I wanted to pull out my .45, and when he had a smile on his face, blow his brains out. There’s where the govt. tortures everyone.. Instead, we had a couple years of holy hell…….all of us except our sister who didn’t participate and could have cared less. Don’t know what causes people to be that way.
I wish the best for you all. It’s govt. torture.
Eric, I really feel for you because I’ve been having to deal with a somewhat similar dilemma regarding my mom as her health had declined to the point where a nursing facility was needed, and then came the covid nonsense. Guilt is a powerful motivator but it doesn’t always get us to do the right thing. If you can’t feasibly care for your loved one on your own, then by taking them on you will not only fail at the task at hand but you’ll also stand to lose everything else in the process. Either way, if your loved one doesn’t have the capacity to understand the illogical reasoning for the prolonged isolation of this year, this is going to diminish them far more severely than the virus itself ever could. Another aspect to consider is that even if you could attempt home care, if you needed to hire medical personnel for any purpose, you would then be subjected to severe covid mitigation/restrictions/quarantining within your own domain.
What helps me to move forward is knowing that at least I’ve not (yet) become a prisoner in my own home.