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Thread: A craigs list ad.

  1. #1
    Senior Member grouch's Avatar
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    Smile A craigs list ad.

    Who says creative writing is dead! I think Nissan needs to hire this guy.


    NINJA HAULER: 2005 Nissan Xterra - $12900 (Ronan / Lake County)Reply to: sale-

    945361858@craigslist.org [?]
    Date: 2008-12-04, 5:15PM MST

    OK, let me start off by saying this Xterra is only available for purchase by the manliest of men (or women). My friend, if it was possible for a vehicle to sprout chest hair and a five o'clock shadow, this Nissan would look like Tom Selleck. It is just that manly.

    It was never intended to drive to the mall so you can pick up that adorable shirt at Abercrombie & Fitch that you had your eye on. It wasn't meant to transport you to yoga class or Linens & Things. No, that's what your Prius is for. If that's the kind of car you're looking for, then just do us all a favor and stop reading right now. I mean it. Just stop.

    This car was engineered by 3rd degree ninja super-warriors in the highest mountains of Japan to serve the needs of the man that cheats death on a daily basis. They didn't even consider superfluous nancy boy amenities like navigation systems (real men don't get lost), heated leather seats (a real man doesn't let anything warm his butt), or On Star (real men don't even know what the hell On Star is).

    No, this brute comes with the things us testosterone-fueled super action junkies need. It has a 265 HP engine to outrun the cops. It's got special blood/gore resistant upholstery. It even has a first-aid kit in the back. You know what the first aid kit has in it? A pint of whiskey, a stitch-your-own-wound kit and a hunk of leather to bite down on when you're operating on yourself. The Xterra also has an automatic transmission so if you're being chased by Libyan terrorists, you'll still be able to shoot your machine gun out the window and drive at the same time. It's saved my bacon more than once.

    It has room for you and the four hotties you picked up on the way to the gym to blast your pecs and hammer your glutes. There's a tow hitch to pull your 50 caliber anti-Taliban, self cooling machine gun. I also just put in a new windshield to replace the one that got shot out by The Man.
    My price on this bad boy is an incredibly low $12,900, but I'll entertain reasonable offers. And by reasonable, I mean don't walk up and tell me you'll give me $5,000 for it. That's liable to earn you a Burmese-roundhouse-sphincter-kick with a follow up three fingered eye-jab. Would it hurt? Hell yeah. Let's just say you won't be the prettiest guy at the Coldplay concert anymore.

    There's only 69,000 miles on this four-wheeled hellcat from Planet Kickass. Trust me, it will outlive you and the offspring that will carry your name. It will live on as a monument to your machismo.

    Now, go look in the mirror and tell me what you see. If it's a rugged, no holds barred, super brute he-man macho Chuck Norris stunt double, then contact me. I might be out hang-gliding or BASE jumping or just chilling with my ladies, but I'll get back to you. And when I do, we'll talk about a price over a nice glass of Schmidt while we listen to Johnny Cash.

    To sweeten the deal a little, I'm throwing in this pair of MC Hammer pants for the man with rippling quads that can't fit into regular pants. Yeah, you heard me. FREE MC Hammer pants.

    Rock on.
    Honk if you love Jesus.

    Text if you want to meet him.

  2. #2
    Ridin Dirty dom's Avatar
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    Nice write-up. I was ready to sign by the time I read the piece on picking up four hotties, but the MC Hammer pants sealed the deal!

    Sold..

    "Tutto nello Stato, niente al di fuori dello Stato, nulla contro lo Stato "
    -Mussolini
    All within the state, nothing outside the state, nothing against the state.

  3. #3
    Vulture of The Western World Eric's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by dom View Post
    Nice write-up. I was ready to sign by the time I read the piece on picking up four hotties, but the MC Hammer pants sealed the deal!

    Sold..
    He's too legit to quit!

    But hey, he should know that real mean prefer gear-grinding manuals with Xtreme, no-hydraulic-assist clutches so stiff it's like doing leg presses with 500 pounds racked on.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Eric View Post
    He's too legit to quit!

    But hey, he should know that real mean prefer gear-grinding manuals with Xtreme, no-hydraulic-assist clutches so stiff it's like doing leg presses with 500 pounds racked on.
    And real men drive V8s. A Nissan Xterra is a solid vehicle. However I see plenty of women driving them. In fact I know one twenty something female who drives a 2007 Xterra, she refers to her Xterra as "her cute little car".

    Not too many women would drive manual rock hard clutch muscle cars of yesteryear. Those cars were and still are all male aka macho cars.

    Getting back to the Xterra, I don't think manly men like Clint Eastwood would be caught dead behind the wheel of a Xterra. A CJ 429 powered 1972 Gran Torino GT fastback now that's the ticket.

  5. #5
    Vulture of The Western World Eric's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Disco Man View Post
    And real men drive V8s. A Nissan Xterra is a solid vehicle. However I see plenty of women driving them. In fact I know one twenty something female who drives a 2007 Xterra, she refers to her Xterra as "her cute little car".

    Not too many women would drive manual rock hard clutch muscle cars of yesteryear. Those cars were and still are all male aka macho cars.

    Getting back to the Xterra, I don't think manly men like Clint Eastwood would be caught dead behind the wheel of a Xterra. A CJ 429 powered 1972 Gran Torino GT fastback now that's the ticket.
    That's the truth!

    Have you seen Gran Torino yet? It looks promising - I'm just worried that in the end, Clint's character will "grow" or some soupy BS like that....

  6. #6
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    Eric,

    Gran Torino was a fantastic movie. Saw it early last week, it was much better than I expected. I highly recommend seeing it.

  7. #7
    Vulture of The Western World Eric's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Disco Man View Post
    Eric,

    Gran Torino was a fantastic movie. Saw it early last week, it was much better than I expected. I highly recommend seeing it.

    That is what I needed to hear; we'll be going this week....

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