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Thread: Tool guide for the DIY enthusiast.

  1. #1
    Administrator Ken's Avatar
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    Tool guide for the DIY enthusiast.

    A little guide to help you plan your essential workshop equipment.

    Ken.

    TOOL GUIDE FOR THE DIY MOTORCYCLIST/MOTORIST.

    DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest, flings your beer across the room, then flies across the workshop denting the freshly-painted gas tank/bike frame/whatever which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

    WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light . Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh shit!'

    SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs, bolts etc., too short for purpose.

    PLIERS: Generally used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

    BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

    HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle; It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

    VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

    OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost exclusively for unintentionally igniting almost any flammable objects in your workshopshop. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub from which you are attempting to remove a recalcitrant bearing race.

    TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

    HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes , trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

    BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most DIY’ers to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of to the outside of the line.

    TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: An electric or hydraulic powered device for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

    PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; Can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

    STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

    PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple metal surrounding the clip or bracket you were trying to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

    HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

    HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the object we are trying to hit. It is especially adept at being able to find the EXACT location of the thumb or index finger of the other hand.

    UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for irreparably slicing work clothes whilst they are being worn.

    SON-OF-A-BITCH TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a BITCH!' at the top of your lungs. It will invariably hit a freshly finished part of your project and is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
    Die dulci fruimini!
    Ken.
    Wolds Bikers, Lincolnshire, England.

  2. #2
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Jul 2006
    Location
    Minneapolis
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    1,429
    If a hammer can't fix it then it's an electrical problem.

    I cut it twice, and it's still too short.

    They now make special serrated bolts just for vise gripping.

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