10 cars most likely to preserve your honor

[Eric]

10 cars most likely to preserve your honor
By Eric Peters
for immediate release

You don't need to join a religious order to avoid the opposite sex -- just acquire one of these road toads and you'll be soltero longer than Liberace.

* Plymouth K-Car: Lee Iaccoca's sheetmetal chastity belt -- the car that defined low expectations for an entire generation. Not even Wayne Newton has a chance in one of these. Attempts to plump up the charisma of these cars by adding "Hemi" badges to the fender worked about as well as Sponge Bob Squarepants' inflatable muscles.

* Chevy Chevette: The "'Vette" you talk about but never want to show anyone -- until you've got at least three Long Island iced teas in them. The car most likely to be owned by a balding guy named Bill working the assistant manager shift at a shopping mall fast food outlet. A sexier version of the Chevette -- the Pontiac Fiero -- almost worked, until people figure out what it was.

* Mustang II King Cobra: This car has held up as well as Farrah -- a liver-spotted disco refugee whose charms have long since faded. It holds the ignoble distinction of being the least powerful V-8 Mustang ever made -- just 129-hp from a 5-liter V-8 engine.

* Renault Le Car: This automotive speedo repels women as effectively as a Ron Jeremy book signing. Drive one and you'll be on your own forever. Renault went to extravagant lengths to further humiliate drivers of this road toad by emblazoning the car with enormous "Le Car" graphics on the side -- the automotive equivalent of an "I'm 40 and still live at Mom's" T-shirt at a single's bar.

* Dodge Omni Horizon: The machine for a man who knows his limitations -- and isn't afraid to show them. Your date will be far over the horizon when she sees you rolling up in one of these. Seek out the Plymouth "Champ" version for the ultimate in vehicular vasectomies.

* AMC Pacer: It's round -- just like the bathtub you'll want to slit your wrists in after spending a Fridaynight cruising the McDonald's parking lot in one of these. Not even "Wayne's World" could make a Pacer cool. An entire country laughs at you.

*Chrysler Tc by Maserati: A six-cylinder LeBaron with an opera window and front-wheel-drive. 'Nuff said.

* Ford Pinto: If your love life doesn't go up in flames, perhaps you will. The absence of a $5 piece of steel reinforcement dropped to cut costs resulted in an explosive situation for drivers unlucky enough to be rear-ended. "Hit me and we die together" makes a great Valentine.

* Porsche 914: The VW of Porsches -- literally. Powered by the same basic engine used in humble Beetles and Hippie vans -- for almost twice the price. These cars didn't fool anyone -- least of all a prospective date.

* Suzuki Samurai: Some lizards roll over their mates to knock them senseless. The Samurai does the same -- but for the both of you. You won't survive long enough to get to second base if you pick her up in one of these.

Not enough to kill the mood? Check out "Automotive Atrocities" Cars We Love to Hate" at Amazon.com or Barnes & Noble for more.

END

[Jim Rose]

>>AMC Pacer: It's round -- just like the bathtub you'll want to slit your wrists in after spending a Fridaynight cruising the McDonald's parking lot in one of these. Not even "Wayne's World" could make a Pacer cool. An entire country laughs at you.<<

Back in 1975, we had one of these as a company test car. One of the execs bought one to drive and use in the test lab to make sure that our equipment would be compatible. When they were done with the thing, I bought this beast for my wife in '78 for 700 bucks.--- at the time we were in Kansas City. She loved it-- it would hold all kinds of weird sized stuff and being her first hatchback, was very convenient for groceries.
It was a good car except for body integrity. The plastic used for the interior and door panels was pure crap.
The funniest incident was the day I was parked in the driveway right behind this pumpkin colored thing and she needed to leave and was too lazy to walk back inside the house and down into the basement to get my car keys. She made a complete U-Turn inside a 2 car garage and escaped.
We moved to Milwaukee in '80 and by then 3 of our kids had learned to drive in this beast. In '82, one of them had a few too many drinks one night and drove the thing into a dead end street. He hit the ned of the street at about 30 fell asleep after the wreck and when the cops found him he had sobered up enough to pass the sobriety test which in Milwaukee wasn't too tough at that time.
The beast was driveable, but needed more work than I was willing to inject into it, so it got sold for 500 bucks to a body shop.

[Eric]

Great story!

I had a buddy in college who owned one (with wood panelling, no less). I had a '69 VW fastback wagon - and we would play bumper cars on the two-lane that led away from campus, grnding metal and leaving sparks all the way. A miracle we never got in trouble with The Law!!

[Jim Rose]

>>I had a buddy in college who owned one (with wood panelling, no less).<<

It was an "economy car" back then. It would do about 23 MPG on the road---- Carry 6 people and the heater & A/C worked well. The tranny was from Chrysler---

[Eric]

yep!

You could also get one with a V-8 (though most had the straight six)....

[Jim Rose]

>>You could also get one with a V-8 (though most had the straight six)....<<

Mine was with the straight six--- No barn burner, but adequate for that 5 x 5 jellybean-- BTW--- a lot of later vehicles sure resembled the Pacer in a lot of ways!

[Eric]

As I recall, one of the really big downsides to the design was the way the glass canopy super-heated the interior - made even worser if you had the Levi jeans seats, with those brass rivets ... ow!

[D_E_Davis]

Personally I hate to see the Pinto lumped in with those 9 other losers. Mine was lively, and fun to drive. With OEM Michelin tires it handled very well - drove it to Cleveland and back in 74 holding 70+ all the way and getting 29mpg. At times I wish I still had it.

[Eric]

You know, I had a friend in college who drove a Pinto wagon - and it was ok. We perfected our hand-brake "Rockfords" in it!

[Jim Rose]

As I recall, one of the really big downsides to the design was the way the glass canopy super-heated the interior - made even worser if you had the Levi jeans seats, with those brass rivets ... ow!

Mine had the plain vinyl -- not the fancy model-- In Milwaukee, all I really ever worried about was sitting on a seat that would freeze your buns off in the winter--- Summer was short, and most of the time I was out of town the weekend it happened.

[Kwozzie1]

AMC Pacer: It's round

Yeah but it came in funky colours and looked unusual...well especially in conservative London

[Kwozzie1]

Renault Le Car
But they were fun to drive...especially around Paris..it was the Renault 5 there. great on the cobbled roads.We had one as a company car

[Kwozzie1]

Porsche 914

And Perhaps the VW Corrado...it was only in production for 4 year...never released down under.

[Eric]

I forgot about that Porsche.... it definitely should have made the cut!

[Kwozzie1]

Suzuki Samurai

Now you fooled me here. In NZ these were called 413J. Just before i sold my farm i had one of these. Mine was a soft top. It was lots of fun but I was mindful of possible stability problems....never had any myself and I worked it on my hilly farm. A lad working for me though managed to put it on its side. He was parking it on a slope and "it just fell over"
There are still a large number in this area as they are good for going up the beach and onto Fraser Island

[Eric]

Ah, but this is in the hands of a competent driver... a species that's rare in these parts!

[chiph]

Porsche 914

And Perhaps the VW Corrado...it was only in production for 4 year...never released down under.

The G60 (four cylinder with the G-Lader supercharger) was a dog, but the Corrado with the VR-6 moter was an excellent car. Unlike the Scirocco that it replaced, it had enough headroom in it for me. A friend had one -- he got up to 115mph on I-40 near Asheville NC, and we later nearly got busted on the Blue Ridge Parkway at 95mph.

Chip H.

[Eric]

" we later nearly got busted on the Blue Ridge Parkway at 95mph. "


Given the 45 mph limit, that would have been a serious bust! (I'm two miles from the Parkway and in the same neighborhood you were driving...!)

[JohnB]

You know, I had a friend in college who drove a Pinto wagon - and it was ok. We perfected our hand-brake "Rockfords" in it!

I knew a guy that managed to stuff a 289 with a 4 speed box into one... That was a rocket on wheels.

[Eric]

"I knew a guy that managed to stuff a 289 with a 4 speed box into one... That was a rocket on wheels. "

I BET!

But how long did the unibody last before ti twisted itself into a pretzel? Did he build a tube-steel cage/mounts for the V-8?