10 cars most likely to preserve your honor
By Eric Peters
for immediate release

You don't need to join a religious order to avoid the opposite sex -- just acquire one of these road toads and you'll be soltero longer than Liberace.

* Plymouth K-Car: Lee Iaccoca's sheetmetal chastity belt -- the car that defined low expectations for an entire generation. Not even Wayne Newton has a chance in one of these. Attempts to plump up the charisma of these cars by adding "Hemi" badges to the fender worked about as well as Sponge Bob Squarepants' inflatable muscles.

* Chevy Chevette: The "'Vette" you talk about but never want to show anyone -- until you've got at least three Long Island iced teas in them. The car most likely to be owned by a balding guy named Bill working the assistant manager shift at a shopping mall fast food outlet. A sexier version of the Chevette -- the Pontiac Fiero -- almost worked, until people figure out what it was.

* Mustang II King Cobra: This car has held up as well as Farrah -- a liver-spotted disco refugee whose charms have long since faded. It holds the ignoble distinction of being the least powerful V-8 Mustang ever made -- just 129-hp from a 5-liter V-8 engine.

* Renault Le Car: This automotive speedo repels women as effectively as a Ron Jeremy book signing. Drive one and you'll be on your own forever. Renault went to extravagant lengths to further humiliate drivers of this road toad by emblazoning the car with enormous "Le Car" graphics on the side -- the automotive equivalent of an "I'm 40 and still live at Mom's" T-shirt at a single's bar.

* Dodge Omni Horizon: The machine for a man who knows his limitations -- and isn't afraid to show them. Your date will be far over the horizon when she sees you rolling up in one of these. Seek out the Plymouth "Champ" version for the ultimate in vehicular vasectomies.

* AMC Pacer: It's round -- just like the bathtub you'll want to slit your wrists in after spending a Fridaynight cruising the McDonald's parking lot in one of these. Not even "Wayne's World" could make a Pacer cool. An entire country laughs at you.

*Chrysler Tc by Maserati: A six-cylinder LeBaron with an opera window and front-wheel-drive. 'Nuff said.

* Ford Pinto: If your love life doesn't go up in flames, perhaps you will. The absence of a $5 piece of steel reinforcement dropped to cut costs resulted in an explosive situation for drivers unlucky enough to be rear-ended. "Hit me and we die together" makes a great Valentine.

* Porsche 914: The VW of Porsches -- literally. Powered by the same basic engine used in humble Beetles and Hippie vans -- for almost twice the price. These cars didn't fool anyone -- least of all a prospective date.

* Suzuki Samurai: Some lizards roll over their mates to knock them senseless. The Samurai does the same -- but for the both of you. You won't survive long enough to get to second base if you pick her up in one of these.

Not enough to kill the mood? Check out "Automotive Atrocities" Cars We Love to Hate" at Amazon.com or Barnes & Noble for more.