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Thread: 10 cars most likely to preserve your honor

  1. #1
    Vulture of The Western World Eric's Avatar
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    10 cars most likely to preserve your honor

    10 cars most likely to preserve your honor
    By Eric Peters
    for immediate release

    You don't need to join a religious order to avoid the opposite sex -- just acquire one of these road toads and you'll be soltero longer than Liberace.

    * Plymouth K-Car: Lee Iaccoca's sheetmetal chastity belt -- the car that defined low expectations for an entire generation. Not even Wayne Newton has a chance in one of these. Attempts to plump up the charisma of these cars by adding "Hemi" badges to the fender worked about as well as Sponge Bob Squarepants' inflatable muscles.

    * Chevy Chevette: The "'Vette" you talk about but never want to show anyone -- until you've got at least three Long Island iced teas in them. The car most likely to be owned by a balding guy named Bill working the assistant manager shift at a shopping mall fast food outlet. A sexier version of the Chevette -- the Pontiac Fiero -- almost worked, until people figure out what it was.

    * Mustang II King Cobra: This car has held up as well as Farrah -- a liver-spotted disco refugee whose charms have long since faded. It holds the ignoble distinction of being the least powerful V-8 Mustang ever made -- just 129-hp from a 5-liter V-8 engine.

    * Renault Le Car: This automotive speedo repels women as effectively as a Ron Jeremy book signing. Drive one and you'll be on your own forever. Renault went to extravagant lengths to further humiliate drivers of this road toad by emblazoning the car with enormous "Le Car" graphics on the side -- the automotive equivalent of an "I'm 40 and still live at Mom's" T-shirt at a single's bar.

    * Dodge Omni Horizon: The machine for a man who knows his limitations -- and isn't afraid to show them. Your date will be far over the horizon when she sees you rolling up in one of these. Seek out the Plymouth "Champ" version for the ultimate in vehicular vasectomies.

    * AMC Pacer: It's round -- just like the bathtub you'll want to slit your wrists in after spending a Fridaynight cruising the McDonald's parking lot in one of these. Not even "Wayne's World" could make a Pacer cool. An entire country laughs at you.

    *Chrysler Tc by Maserati: A six-cylinder LeBaron with an opera window and front-wheel-drive. 'Nuff said.

    * Ford Pinto: If your love life doesn't go up in flames, perhaps you will. The absence of a $5 piece of steel reinforcement dropped to cut costs resulted in an explosive situation for drivers unlucky enough to be rear-ended. "Hit me and we die together" makes a great Valentine.

    * Porsche 914: The VW of Porsches -- literally. Powered by the same basic engine used in humble Beetles and Hippie vans -- for almost twice the price. These cars didn't fool anyone -- least of all a prospective date.

    * Suzuki Samurai: Some lizards roll over their mates to knock them senseless. The Samurai does the same -- but for the both of you. You won't survive long enough to get to second base if you pick her up in one of these.

    Not enough to kill the mood? Check out "Automotive Atrocities" Cars We Love to Hate" at Amazon.com or Barnes & Noble for more.

    END

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    Re: 10 cars most likely to preserve your honor

    >>AMC Pacer: It's round -- just like the bathtub you'll want to slit your wrists in after spending a Fridaynight cruising the McDonald's parking lot in one of these. Not even "Wayne's World" could make a Pacer cool. An entire country laughs at you.<<

    Back in 1975, we had one of these as a company test car. One of the execs bought one to drive and use in the test lab to make sure that our equipment would be compatible. When they were done with the thing, I bought this beast for my wife in '78 for 700 bucks.--- at the time we were in Kansas City. She loved it-- it would hold all kinds of weird sized stuff and being her first hatchback, was very convenient for groceries.
    It was a good car except for body integrity. The plastic used for the interior and door panels was pure crap.
    The funniest incident was the day I was parked in the driveway right behind this pumpkin colored thing and she needed to leave and was too lazy to walk back inside the house and down into the basement to get my car keys. She made a complete U-Turn inside a 2 car garage and escaped.
    We moved to Milwaukee in '80 and by then 3 of our kids had learned to drive in this beast. In '82, one of them had a few too many drinks one night and drove the thing into a dead end street. He hit the ned of the street at about 30 fell asleep after the wreck and when the cops found him he had sobered up enough to pass the sobriety test which in Milwaukee wasn't too tough at that time.
    The beast was driveable, but needed more work than I was willing to inject into it, so it got sold for 500 bucks to a body shop.

  3. #3
    Vulture of The Western World Eric's Avatar
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    Re: 10 cars most likely to preserve your honor

    Great story!

    I had a buddy in college who owned one (with wood panelling, no less). I had a '69 VW fastback wagon - and we would play bumper cars on the two-lane that led away from campus, grnding metal and leaving sparks all the way. A miracle we never got in trouble with The Law!!

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    Re: 10 cars most likely to preserve your honor

    >>I had a buddy in college who owned one (with wood panelling, no less).<<

    It was an "economy car" back then. It would do about 23 MPG on the road---- Carry 6 people and the heater & A/C worked well. The tranny was from Chrysler---

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    Vulture of The Western World Eric's Avatar
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    Re: 10 cars most likely to preserve your honor

    yep!

    You could also get one with a V-8 (though most had the straight six)....

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    Re: 10 cars most likely to preserve your honor

    >>You could also get one with a V-8 (though most had the straight six)....<<

    Mine was with the straight six--- No barn burner, but adequate for that 5 x 5 jellybean-- BTW--- a lot of later vehicles sure resembled the Pacer in a lot of ways!

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    Vulture of The Western World Eric's Avatar
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    Re: 10 cars most likely to preserve your honor

    As I recall, one of the really big downsides to the design was the way the glass canopy super-heated the interior - made even worser if you had the Levi jeans seats, with those brass rivets ... ow!

  8. #8
    D_E_Davis
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    Re: 10 cars most likely to preserve your honor

    Personally I hate to see the Pinto lumped in with those 9 other losers. Mine was lively, and fun to drive. With OEM Michelin tires it handled very well - drove it to Cleveland and back in 74 holding 70+ all the way and getting 29mpg. At times I wish I still had it.


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    Vulture of The Western World Eric's Avatar
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    Re: 10 cars most likely to preserve your honor

    You know, I had a friend in college who drove a Pinto wagon - and it was ok. We perfected our hand-brake "Rockfords" in it!

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    Re: 10 cars most likely to preserve your honor

    Quote Originally Posted by Eric
    As I recall, one of the really big downsides to the design was the way the glass canopy super-heated the interior - made even worser if you had the Levi jeans seats, with those brass rivets ... ow!
    Mine had the plain vinyl -- not the fancy model-- In Milwaukee, all I really ever worried about was sitting on a seat that would freeze your buns off in the winter--- Summer was short, and most of the time I was out of town the weekend it happened.

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    Senior Member Kwozzie1's Avatar
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    Re: 10 cars most likely to preserve your honor

    AMC Pacer: It's round

    Yeah but it came in funky colours and looked unusual...well especially in conservative London
    Rex
    On the Sunshine Coast, in the Sunshine State Queensland (QLD), Australia

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    Senior Member Kwozzie1's Avatar
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    Re: 10 cars most likely to preserve your honor

    Renault Le Car
    But they were fun to drive...especially around Paris..it was the Renault 5 there. great on the cobbled roads.We had one as a company car
    Rex
    On the Sunshine Coast, in the Sunshine State Queensland (QLD), Australia

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    Senior Member Kwozzie1's Avatar
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    Re: 10 cars most likely to preserve your honor

    Porsche 914

    And Perhaps the VW Corrado...it was only in production for 4 year...never released down under.
    Rex
    On the Sunshine Coast, in the Sunshine State Queensland (QLD), Australia

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    Vulture of The Western World Eric's Avatar
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    Re: 10 cars most likely to preserve your honor

    I forgot about that Porsche.... it definitely should have made the cut!

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    Senior Member Kwozzie1's Avatar
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    Re: 10 cars most likely to preserve your honor

    Suzuki Samurai

    Now you fooled me here. In NZ these were called 413J. Just before i sold my farm i had one of these. Mine was a soft top. It was lots of fun but I was mindful of possible stability problems....never had any myself and I worked it on my hilly farm. A lad working for me though managed to put it on its side. He was parking it on a slope and "it just fell over"
    There are still a large number in this area as they are good for going up the beach and onto Fraser Island
    Rex
    On the Sunshine Coast, in the Sunshine State Queensland (QLD), Australia

  16. #16
    Vulture of The Western World Eric's Avatar
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    Re: 10 cars most likely to preserve your honor

    Ah, but this is in the hands of a competent driver... a species that's rare in these parts!

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    Re: 10 cars most likely to preserve your honor

    Quote Originally Posted by Kwozzie1
    Porsche 914

    And Perhaps the VW Corrado...it was only in production for 4 year...never released down under.
    The G60 (four cylinder with the G-Lader supercharger) was a dog, but the Corrado with the VR-6 moter was an excellent car. Unlike the Scirocco that it replaced, it had enough headroom in it for me. A friend had one -- he got up to 115mph on I-40 near Asheville NC, and we later nearly got busted on the Blue Ridge Parkway at 95mph.

    Chip H.

    Former owner: 2012 Honda Civic LX, 2006 Honda Ridgeline RTL, 2000 Honda CR-V EX, 2003 MINI Cooper S, 1992 Honda Accord LX, 1999 Mercedes ML-320, 1995 VW Jetta GLX, 1991 Mercury Capri XR2, 1981 Mercury Zephyr, 1975 Chevrolet Impala

  18. #18
    Vulture of The Western World Eric's Avatar
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    Re: 10 cars most likely to preserve your honor

    " we later nearly got busted on the Blue Ridge Parkway at 95mph. "


    Given the 45 mph limit, that would have been a serious bust! (I'm two miles from the Parkway and in the same neighborhood you were driving...!)

  19. #19
    JohnB
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    Re: 10 cars most likely to preserve your honor

    Quote Originally Posted by Eric
    You know, I had a friend in college who drove a Pinto wagon - and it was ok. We perfected our hand-brake "Rockfords" in it!
    I knew a guy that managed to stuff a 289 with a 4 speed box into one... That was a rocket on wheels.

  20. #20
    Vulture of The Western World Eric's Avatar
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    Re: 10 cars most likely to preserve your honor

    "I knew a guy that managed to stuff a 289 with a 4 speed box into one... That was a rocket on wheels. "

    I BET!

    But how long did the unibody last before ti twisted itself into a pretzel? Did he build a tube-steel cage/mounts for the V-8?

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