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Thread: What would Satan drive?

  1. #1
    Vulture of The Western World Eric's Avatar
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    What would Satan drive?

    What would the Devil drive?
    By Eric Peters
    for immediate release

    Everyone has their opinion about the kind of car that Jesus might drive (don't you think he'd probably hitch a ride -- or just walk?). But what about the big red guy? That's an easier call, when you think about it.

    Here are some candidates:

    * Bugatti Veyron -- Old Scratch certainly has the scratch necessary to acquire a seven figure chariot of hellfire like the $1.7 million, 16-cylinder, 1,000-horsepower Bugatti supercar. And with four turbochargers, permanent all-wheel-drive and a top-speed of more than 250 mph, the Veyron has what it takes to run with the devil.

    Satan says: "Truly faster and more furious than a plague of locusts; I'll take two."

    * Hummer H1 Alpha -- It takes almost as much gas to keep this bad boy running down Corollas as it does souls in torment to stoke the flames of the Eternal Pit. Whether it's rooster-tailing through an endangered species' delicate habitat or spewing brimstone into the skies and lungs of the damned, the always outre Hummer's more than up to the job.

    Satan says: I have to deal with pretty rocky terrain sometimes in my neighborhood; and there's plenty of extra room for my minions."

    * Chrysler 300C Hemi -- Maybe not quite "Body by Plymouth, soul by (well, you know who)." But close enough. That sinister gangster-grinning front end is the ideal final sight for wayward pedestrians -- and spandex-clad would-be Tour de Francers -- unlucky enough to get in His way.

    Satan says: Watch out all you Lance Armstrong wannabees; make mine Beelzebub Black.

    * Daimler Maybach 62 -- The simple life may work for ol' goodie-two-sandals, but our guy likes to live large. And with worldly delights that include back seats like Barcaloungers that allow their occupants to fully recline, sued-textured feather-stuffed pillows, a refrigerator/mini bar and (of course) lamb's wool carpeting, it's the perfect mobile lounge for discussing the terms and conditions of the sale of your eternal soul.

    Satan says: Trump's got nothing on me riding around in that low-rent Prom Night
    Special Town Car stretch. Get a better rug, too.

    * Pontiac Aztek -- Why not give them a preview of what's to come? The inspiration for this car's damnation alley styling had to come from the Nether regions -- and wherever it travels, there will always be much wailing and gnashing of teeth.

    Satan says: No! Keep it away! I repent! You win. Ok?

    END

  2. #2
    DennisWG
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    Re: What would Satan drive?

    My guess is the Hummer the big ugly one that is seven feet wide - and just think where he would park it.

  3. #3
    Vulture of The Western World Eric's Avatar
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    Re: What would Satan drive?

    Quote Originally Posted by DennisWG
    My guess is the Hummer the big ugly one that is seven feet wide - and just think where he would park it.
    A lot of people voted for the Hummer - but I'd say it's more the choice of his dupes than the Big Guy himself. Satan's too savvy to drive a Hummer!

  4. #4
    jillsuncle
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    Re: What would Satan drive?

    I'm glad you asked. Several excellent choices in no particular order: (Winner at the bottom)

    1) An SS 396 Chevelle <-- Good choice dude.
    2) A Buick GS 400 <-- Butta!
    3) An Orange GTO, not that Australian piece of crap! <-- Vintage.
    4) A Carrera <-- He'd mellow out an be like St. Peter.
    5) A Bugatti - OOh - Wretched excess how Satanic!
    6) A lime greed Dodge Challenger Daytona <- Orgasm.
    7) A yellow Plymouth Super Bee with 440 sixpack <-- Sick Totally Sick!
    8) A Hemi Cuda always SATISFYS!

    ** Satan does/would not drive an EVO. Everyone knows that Satan is from right here in the USA and there is a big difference between EVO and EVIL! <-- P wagon.

    And the Winner is: Tje latest greatest, badest Red Ferrari you can get your hands on - Michael Shumacher's car.

    For those who thought Satan would drive a Diablo, Satan does not like cars that won't start and drown out your Death Metal as you roll in the Underworld. Prancing Horse! Hooray!

    Crank up the Killswitch Engaged! >

  5. #5
    Vulture of The Western World Eric's Avatar
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    Re: What would Satan drive?

    Quote Originally Posted by jillsuncle
    I'm glad you asked. Several excellent choices in no particular order: (Winner at the bottom)

    1) An SS 396 Chevelle <-- Good choice dude.
    2) A Buick GS 400 <-- Butta!
    3) An Orange GTO, not that Australian piece of crap! <-- Vintage.
    4) A Carrera <-- He'd mellow out an be like St. Peter.
    5) A Bugatti - OOh - Wretched excess how Satanic!
    6) A lime greed Dodge Challenger Daytona <- Orgasm.
    7) A yellow Plymouth Super Bee with 440 sixpack <-- Sick Totally Sick!
    8) A Hemi Cuda always SATISFYS!

    ** Satan does/would not drive an EVO. Everyone knows that Satan is from right here in the USA and there is a big difference between EVO and EVIL! <-- P wagon.

    And the Winner is: Tje latest greatest, badest Red Ferrari you can get your hands on - Michael Shumacher's car.

    For those who thought Satan would drive a Diablo, Satan does not like cars that won't start and drown out your Death Metal as you roll in the Underworld. Prancing Horse! Hooray!

    Crank up the Killswitch Engaged! >
    Good calls, all!

    Any E-Body big block is bbbbad to thebone.. .

  6. #6
    jillsuncle
    Guest

    Re: What would Satan drive?

    Vman's Mustang. Don't tell my Insurance agent about the blower! ;D

  7. #7
    jillsuncle
    Guest

    Re: What would Satan drive?

    Maybe he would roll in that rig that comrade Putin rides around in. Or a bulletproof Suburban like "W"'s ride.

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