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Thread: Quotes from the Good Book

  1. #1
    Vulture of The Western World Eric's Avatar
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    Quotes from the Good Book

    Here are some noteworthy Bible excerpts for those who consider this book to be the "inspired word of God" to consider:

    According to 2 Kings 2:23-24, in which the prophet Elisha has 42 children torn apart by bears for having made fun of his baldness:

    [2:23] And he went up from thence unto Bethel: and as he was going up by the way, there came forth little children out of the city, and mocked him, and said unto him, Go up, thou bald head; go up, thou bald head.
    [2:24] And he turned back, and looked on them, and cursed them in the name of the LORD. And there came forth two she bears out of the wood, and tare forty and two children of them.

    How about mass murder?

    In the book of Numbers, God's chosen people (the Israelites) have, under the leadership of Moses, conquered the Midianites, killed all the men, taken their livestock and goods, and burned their cities. God's right hand man Moses then commands his army:

    "Now therefore kill every male among the little ones, and kill every woman that hath known a man by lying with him. But all the women children, that have not known a man by lying with him, keep alive for yourselves." (Numbers 31:17-18)

    Because, everyone knows, the most pious and humane of conquering armies don't slaughter everyone -- only all men, boys, and women who have had sex. Little virgin girls they keep for themselves as the spoils of war.

    So God commands.

    Just in case you had and doubt as to what God tells his followers to do to those who talk trash about Him: Love them? Pray for them? Redouble efforts to show them the light?

    How about:

    "And he that blasphemeth the name of the LORD, he shall surely be put to death, and all the congregation shall certainly stone him." (Leviticus 24:16)

    Next: How to rape your POW:

    "When thou goest forth to war against thine enemies, and the LORD thy God hath delivered them into thine hands, and thou hast taken them captive, And seest among the captives a beautiful woman, and hast a desire unto her, that thou wouldest have her to thy wife; Then thou shalt bring her home to thine house, and she shall shave her head, and pare her nails; And she shall put the raiment of her captivity from off her, and shall remain in thine house, and bewail her father and her mother a full month: and after that thou shalt go in unto her, and be her husband, and she shall be thy wife. And it shall be, if thou have no delight in her, then thou shalt let her go whither she will; but thou shalt not sell her at all for money, thou shalt not make merchandise of her, because thou hast humbled her."
    (Deuteronomy 21:10-14: )

    Then we have 2 Corinthians 6:14-17:

    "Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? and what communion hath light with darkness? And what concord hath Christ with Belial? or what part hath he that believeth with an infidel? And what agreement hath the temple of God with idols? for ye are the temple of the living God; as God hath said, I will dwell in them, and walk in them; and I will be their God, and they shall be my people. Wherefore come out from among them, and be ye separate, saith the Lord, and touch not the unclean thing; and I will receive you."

    I mean, not that I was asking any of you to actually touch it, or anything.

    Leviticus, Chapter 20, is full of many (but far from all) of the circumstances under which God deems that people should be put to death. Some seem fairly reasonable -- like, for example, killing those who have killed their own children in sacrifice to Molech (the Canaanite god of fire to whom children were offered in sacrifice); some far less so (like swearing at your parents). Many (like sleeping with your daughter-in-law; or worse, your mother-in-law) seem, you know, yucky, but hardly something to kill for. Anyway, here's a tasty morsel or two of these commands, going out to those who think that God doesn't tell us to stone or kill other people:

    "For every one that curseth his father or his mother shall be surely put to death: he hath cursed his father or his mother; his blood shall be upon him."

    "And the man that committeth adultery with another man's wife, even he that committeth adultery with his neighbour's wife, the adulterer and the adulteress shall surely be put to death. "

    "And the man that lieth with his father's wife hath uncovered his father's nakedness: both of them shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them. "

    "And if a man lie with his daughter in law, both of them shall surely be put to death: they have wrought confusion; their blood shall be upon them."

    "If a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them. "

    "And if a man take a wife and her mother, it is wickedness: they shall be burnt with fire, both he and they; that there be no wickedness among you."

    "And if a man lie with a beast, he shall surely be put to death: and ye shall slay the beast. "

    "And if a woman approach unto any beast, and lie down thereto, thou shalt kill the woman, and the beast: they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them..."

    "A man also or woman that hath a familiar spirit, or that is a wizard, shall surely be put to death: they shall stone them with stones: their blood shall be upon them."


    From Deuteronomy chapter 23, verses 1-2, we get some of the rules on who can't enter into the congregation of the Lord (and thus will be damned for eternity):

    "He that is wounded in the stones, or hath his privy member cut off, shall not enter into the congregation of the LORD. A bastard shall not enter into the congregation of the LORD; even to his tenth generation shall he not enter into the congregation of the LORD."

    So, be careful with the family jewels, guys -- not just for all the obvious reasons, but because if you wound them, God won't let you into the club of eternal salvation.

    And be tracing back that family tree, too. No illegitimate offspring among the last ten generations of ancestors, either -- even if you believe, do good works for God, and whatever other shit He might demand.

    Praise His name!

  2. #2
    TC
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    Re: Quotes from the Good Book

    How anyone can believe all that, I really don't know.

  3. #3
    Vulture of The Western World Eric's Avatar
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    Re: Quotes from the Good Book

    Quote Originally Posted by TC
    How anyone can believe all that, I really don't know.
    I agree; and that's just a small sampling!

  4. #4
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    Re: Quotes from the Good Book

    Quote Originally Posted by Eric
    "And if a man take a wife and her mother, it is wickedness: they shall be burnt with fire, both he and they; that there be no wickedness among you."
    This sorta puts the keibash to those MIFL web sites, huh .

  5. #5
    mrblanche
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    Re: Quotes from the Good Book

    You would have to remember that the practices taught in those texts are actually teaching a radical departure from practices of the day, and were viewed as ridiculously altruistic by most of the cultures at that time. You DID notice, didn't you, that the texts about taking the desirous foreign woman specified that she was to be allowed time to mourn her situation, and then she was to be treated as a wife, not a slave? Radical kindness, at that time, I'd say.

    It isn't fair, right, or reasonable to judge what was written almost 3,000 years ago by what we might consider today's ethics.

  6. #6
    Vulture of The Western World Eric's Avatar
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    Re: Quotes from the Good Book

    "It isn't fair, right, or reasonable to judge what was written almost 3,000 years ago by what we might consider today's ethics."

    By ordinary standards? Certainly. But we are told this is "holy writ" - the literal word of God, etc. And by that standard, it clearly falls short - unless you take the position that God is a vengeful, blood-thirsty tribal Odin, etc.

    The Old and New testaments are many things - cultural history, poetry, literature, allegory - etc. Like the Greek fables - or Beowulf.

    But the idea that they are "divine" or "holy" is as silly as the idea that Zeus is real or Ra controls the movement of the sun.

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