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Thread: 10 cars most likely to preserve your honor

  1. #1
    Vulture of The Western World Eric's Avatar
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    10 cars most likely to preserve your honor


    You don't need to join a religious order to avoid the opposite sex -- just acquire one of these road toads and you'll be soltero longer than Liberace.

    * Plymouth K-Car: Lee Iaccoca's sheetmetal chastity belt -- the car that defined low expectations for an entire generation. Not even Wayne Newton has a chance in one of these. Attempts to plump up the charisma of these cars by adding "Hemi" badges to the fender worked about as well as Sponge Bob Squarepants' inflatable muscles.

    * Chevy Chevette: The "'Vette" you talk about but never want to show anyone -- until you've got at least three Long Island iced teas in them. The car most likely to be owned by a balding guy named Bill working the assistant manager shift at a shopping mall fast food outlet. A sexier version of the Chevette -- the Pontiac Fiero -- almost worked, until people figure out what it was.

    * Mustang II King Cobra: This car has held up as well as Farrah -- a liver-spotted disco refugee whose charms have long since faded. It holds the ignoble distinction of being the least powerful V-8 Mustang ever made -- just 129-hp from a 5-liter V-8 engine.

    * Renault Le Car: This automotive speedo repels women as effectively as a Ron Jeremy book signing. Drive one and you'll be on your own forever. Renault went to extravagant lengths to further humiliate drivers of this road toad by emblazoning the car with enormous "Le Car" graphics on the side -- the automotive equivalent of an "I'm 40 and still live at Mom's" T-shirt at a single's bar.

    * Dodge Omni Horizon: The machine for a man who knows his limitations -- and isn't afraid to show them. Your date will be far over the horizon when she sees you rolling up in one of these. Seek out the Plymouth "Champ" version for the ultimate in vehicular vasectomies.

    * AMC Pacer: It's round -- just like the bathtub you'll want to slit your wrists in after spending a Fridaynight cruising the McDonald's parking lot in one of these. Not even "Wayne's World" could make a Pacer cool. An entire country laughs at you.

    *Chrysler Tc by Maserati: A six-cylinder LeBaron with an opera window and front-wheel-drive. 'Nuff said.

    * Ford Pinto: If your love life doesn't go up in flames, perhaps you will. The absence of a $5 piece of steel reinforcement dropped to cut costs resulted in an explosive situation for drivers unlucky enough to be rear-ended. "Hit me and we die together" makes a great Valentine.

    * Porsche 914: The VW of Porsches -- literally. Powered by the same basic engine used in humble Beetles and Hippie vans -- for almost twice the price. These cars didn't fool anyone -- least of all a prospective date.

    * Suzuki Samurai: Some lizards roll over their mates to knock them senseless. The Samurai does the same -- but for the both of you. You won't survive long enough to get to second base if you pick her up in one of these.

    Not enough to kill the mood? Check out "Automotive Atrocities" Cars We Love to Hate" at Amazon.com or Barnes & Noble for more.

    END

  2. #2
    mrblanche
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    Re: 10 cars most likely to preserve your honor

    In the '80's, I worked for an entrepreneur who talked some about getting a car dealership. He was torn between being a Yugo dealer, which we said he would call "Commie Cars, Inc.," and a Suzuki dealership, where he said his big sign out front would say, "You'll Flip Over This Car!"

  3. #3
    Vulture of The Western World Eric's Avatar
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    Re: 10 cars most likely to preserve your honor

    Quote Originally Posted by mrblanche
    In the '80's, I worked for an entrepreneur who talked some about getting a car dealership. He was torn between being a Yugo dealer, which we said he would call "Commie Cars, Inc.," and a Suzuki dealership, where he said his big sign out front would say, "You'll Flip Over This Car!"
    I like the second motto best!

    An interesting thing about Suzuki is the company is at the top of the game when it comes to motorcycles (like Honda) but its automotive arm is a weak sister and (unlike Honda) a virtual non-player....

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    Re: 10 cars most likely to preserve your honor

    I actually have owned a couple of these--but of course, that was long after I had married and no longerneeded to impress anyone with my masculinity.

    My Chevette wasn't only a Chevette, it was a Chevette Scooter; the cheapest of the cheap. There was no lid on the glove box, and the passenger seat wouldn't adjust, and it had a 1.4 engine (instead of the regular Chevette's 1.6). Mine had an auto transmission and a radio. which made it semi-deluxe, and I talked the salesman into giving me a glove box cover (which wouldn't lock). I drove it for about 85,000 miles, and then destroyed it by hitting something in the road with the oil pan.

    A couple of cars later, I had a Plymouth Horizon (the Dodge Omni was virgually identical). It destroyed itself; it started sounding like a Diesel while idling (piston slap, I think). The necessary repairs added up to about twice the value of the car in the blue book.

    The Porsche 914/6 looked just like the 914, but had chrome bumpers, and a real Porsche engine. I don't know how good or bad it was; a friend of mine owned one. He liked it a lot, and it helped him meet and marry a real foxy lady, but frankly, he was a good looking very cool guy anyway, and probably could transcend anything.

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    Re: 10 cars most likely to preserve your honor

    >>* AMC Pacer: It's round -- just like the bathtub you'll want to slit your wrists in after spending a Fridaynight cruising the McDonald's parking lot in one of these. Not even "Wayne's World" could make a Pacer cool. An entire country laughs at you.<<

    I had one of these, and my wife made a U-Turn with it inside our 2 car garage because I had her blocked in with my boat parked behind her. She loved it because it could hold a whole load of groceries behind the back seat.
    It was noisey, had the cheapest plastic door panels inside and other than the cheap plastic, it never broke!

  6. #6
    Vulture of The Western World Eric's Avatar
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    Re: 10 cars most likely to preserve your honor

    Quote Originally Posted by pgranzeau
    I actually have owned a couple of these--but of course, that was long after I had married and no longerneeded to impress anyone with my masculinity.

    My Chevette wasn't only a Chevette, it was a Chevette Scooter; the cheapest of the cheap. There was no lid on the glove box, and the passenger seat wouldn't adjust, and it had a 1.4 engine (instead of the regular Chevette's 1.6). Mine had an auto transmission and a radio. which made it semi-deluxe, and I talked the salesman into giving me a glove box cover (which wouldn't lock). I drove it for about 85,000 miles, and then destroyed it by hitting something in the road with the oil pan.


    I had a co-worker in the '90s who drove a Chevette that was a true POS in the classic form; rusty, blotchy paint with bubbles heralding new perforation; exhaust hanging low and by a thread, with smoky exhaust; ripped up carpet and torn seats; cracked dash - and a bent antenna. A true stinkpot - but perfect for parking on the streets of Washington, DC!

  7. #7
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    Re: 10 cars most likely to preserve your honor

    I had a co-worker that had one. The headliner fabric was coming down, and he had used pushpins (probably from the office-supply cabinet at work!) to hold it up.

    Note that these were pushpins, not thumb-tacks. If he'd gone over a strong bump, he would have had 1/2" deep dimples pressed into his skull...

    Chip H.

    Former owner: 2012 Honda Civic LX, 2006 Honda Ridgeline RTL, 2000 Honda CR-V EX, 2003 MINI Cooper S, 1992 Honda Accord LX, 1999 Mercedes ML-320, 1995 VW Jetta GLX, 1991 Mercury Capri XR2, 1981 Mercury Zephyr, 1975 Chevrolet Impala

  8. #8
    Vulture of The Western World Eric's Avatar
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    Re: 10 cars most likely to preserve your honor

    Quote Originally Posted by chiph
    I had a co-worker that had one. The headliner fabric was coming down, and he had used pushpins (probably from the office-supply cabinet at work!) to hold it up.

    Note that these were pushpins, not thumb-tacks. If he'd gone over a strong bump, he would have had 1/2" deep dimples pressed into his skull...

    Chip H.
    Those were the days, eh?

    At the time, I was driving a '69 VW Squareback into DC every day (this was when I first began working for Rev. Moon at The Washington Times); I drove it a) because I was poor and b) because I was driving into DC every day. The Times was (and still is) in a very bad part of town; I was not about to take a car I actually gave a damn about down there!

    But that VW served me well; I grew to really like the little bastard. It just would not die - and truth be told, never let me down...


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