Cheesiest TV & movie cars

[Eric]

Everyone loves Steve McQueen's Highland Green "Bullitt" Mustang -- or the "fast and Furious" supercharged '69 Charger But how about the automotive Omarossas? Which movie and TV cars were the worst ever?

Here's a list of possible nominees:

* Magnum, PI Ferrari 308 One of the very few slow -- and cheap -- Ferraris. Though it looks fast, the 308's little V-8 produced very little horsepower -- just 205, net. That's 35 hp less than a V-6 Nissan Altima -- and about 150 less than a "real" Ferrari with a V-12 engine. Now you know why Magnum was reduced to doing burnouts on the grass. The 308 may have a prancing horse on the fender -- but there's a Gerbil under the hood. You can buy a nice one for about $25,000 -- and that ought to tell you something.

* Smokey and the Bandit Trans-Am: A great movie -- about a once-great car. There's a reason why they speeded up the film in several driving sequences to make the action at least look fast. The '77 T-top Trans-Am driven by Burt Reynolds may have been menacing in its black paint with gold trim -- but all Burt had to work with was a low compression 185-hp 403 V-8 pirated from an Oldsmobile Vista Crusier -- and a sloshy three-speed automatic transmission. The stunt scenes -- and sound track -- were done with a modifed car equipped with a "built" 455 Pontiac V-8 -- an engine not offered in a Trans-Am since 1974 -- and a real-deal 4-speed manual gearbox.

* Charlie's Angels Mustang Cobra II: This sheetmetal cousin of the "hit me - and we die together" Pinto remains the undisputed Most Embarrassing Mustang Ever Built. It's amazing Farrah was able to chase down any criminals in this tarted-up, toothless faux muscle car. They probably slowed down -- so she could catch up. The one admirable design feature of the Mustang II was its tendency to rapidly dissolve from rust -- like an old soup can left out in the yard. So few are left in existence to blight the roads.

* Starsky & Hutch Torino: This car ("Zebrathree") was an even bigger load than David Soul and Paul Michael Glazer. Like a washed-up jock in a baggy sweat suit, the customized '76 Torino was a typical mid-late '70s overweight, underpowered smog machine. Its 200-something horsepower 460 V-8 was a low performance boat anchor of an engine better at sucking gas than hauling ass. A loud paint job and white stripes only called attention to its mediocre performance. This unfortunate Ford was the el cheapo equivalent of a Chrysler Cordoba -- only without the "rich, Corinthian leather" to class it up a little.

* Back to the Future DeLorean: It'd be hard to get to the next stop light -- let alone 1985 -- in this stainless steel road toad. With just a 2.8 liter V-6 under the hood -- sourced from the French automaker Renault -- and all of 130 hp, Doc Brown would have had to stuff a lot of bananna peels into "Mr. Fusion" to get the car to 85 mph. Even with a ""flux capacitor," Biff's old Chevy would've blown its Gullwing doors off.

* Corvette Summer 'Vette: Take a perfectly good Corvette -- and ruin it with a couple hundred pounds of slapped on fiberglass pontoons, wings and oversized hood scoops -- then spray thoroughly with garish metalflake paint and prisma. Put Mark "Luke Skywalker" Hamill in the lead role -- and you've got all the makings of a first-class stinker of a movie about Corvette mutilation and '70s stoner anomie. The movie is all about finding the car after it got stolen by thieves -- but the smarter move would've been to cash the insurance check and send the crooks a thank-you card.

* Hardcastle & McCormick Manta kit car: The music and intro were pretty cool -- especially the part where the car cuts under the tractor trailor -- but the VW-sourced kit car Lola GT/Lotus wasn't. Eve if it did have a Porsche engine (no one knows for sure; some say it was Corvair-powered) a fake exotic sports car is about as classy as Potomac River caviar. You're not foolin' anyone, son. Put those gold chains away, tuck in your shirt -- and buy a real car.

[chiph]

Sci-Fi series were the worst!

Do you recall the TV version of "Logan's Run" ?? It used a boxy "hovercraft" that would bump it's way across fields on it's not-always-hidden wheels.

Also, the last season of the original "Battlestar Galactica" (when they rediscovered Earth) used a pair of dressed-up "flying" motorcycles. Poorly done green-screen matte effects, no extra charge!

Another bad one was the "Landmaster" all-terrain vehicle from the movie "Damnation Alley". Weighing in at 10 tons, it's 391ci Ford V8 had a tough time getting it moving.

The only good Sci-Fi series car was the Dodge Charger from the Blade movie with Wesley Snipes.

Chip H.

[mrblanche]

Let's never forget the Firebird "Kitt" in "Knight Rider."

[Disco Man]

mrblanche,

KITT was cool, if anything was cheesy in Knight Rider it was David Hasselhoff's acting, clothes, and dialogue in Knight Rider. Never-the-less I still like the show, and have a good laugh every time I see an episode.

[Disco Man]

Eric,

Good choices. I'll add these to your list...

AMC Pacer from the movie Wayne's World: If having a Pacer in a movie was not bad enough, it had a custom paint job that not even a Pacer fan could love.




A-Team 1984 Corvette: The 1984 Corvette was a great car in its day, it got rave reviews from the entire automotive press. However this white 1984 Corvette used on the TV show with a large red stripe on it just looked cheesy.

[swamprat]

Although I am a big fan of the Rockford Files, I want to mention Rockford's 1977-78 Firebird. In his early shows, his car had a nice deep rumble. Beginning in Season Four, Jim's old Bird sounded like a wheezing chicken, equipped with only a 350 2 BBL, probably producing only about 150hp or so. It was gut wrenching seeing the EPA choke the life out of virtually every car made back then.

[Eric]

Sci-Fi series were the worst!

Do you recall the TV version of "Logan's Run" ?? It used a boxy "hovercraft" that would bump it's way across fields on it's not-always-hidden wheels.

Also, the last season of the original "Battlestar Galactica" (when they rediscovered Earth) used a pair of dressed-up "flying" motorcycles. Poorly done green-screen matte effects, no extra charge!

Another bad one was the "Landmaster" all-terrain vehicle from the movie "Damnation Alley". Weighing in at 10 tons, it's 391ci Ford V8 had a tough time getting it moving.

The only good Sci-Fi series car was the Dodge Charger from the Blade movie with Wesley Snipes.

Chip H.

I remember all those - esp. the "Galactica" sport bikes with whirring turbine sound effects!

One sci-fi movie with some good cars was "The Wraith." Ever see it?

[Eric]

Although I am a big fan of the Rockford Files, I want to mention Rockford's 1977-78 Firebird. In his early shows, his car had a nice deep rumble. Beginning in Season Four, Jim's old Bird sounded like a wheezing chicken, equipped with only a 350 2 BBL, probably producing only about 150hp or so. It was gut wrenching seeing the EPA choke the life out of virtually every car made back then.

Agreed!

Stock, those cars were s-l-o-w!

But even the 350 two barrel could behopped up easily and cheaply. Just gut the smog crap, add a four-barrel, duals and ramp up the spark curve a bit and you'd have 200 hp or so without touching anything internally....

[Eric]

The Hoff is the Bill Shatner of our generation!

[Eric]

A-Team 1984 Corvette..."

Ah yes!

Remember when a 205 hp TPI engine was considered "hot"!

But, but... it has Gatorbacks!

[Disco Man]

Eric,

It seems strange now. However back at the beginning of the 1983 model year, the Mustang GT with its 5.0 H.O. V8 produced 175 horsepower and the Trans Am/Camaro Z28 with the LU5 5.0 liter cross-fire (dual TBI) fuel injection V8 produced 175 horsepower which made these three cars the hottest muscle cars made in the U.S. Then in March of 1983, the 1984 Corvette was released with the 5.7 liter cross-fire V8 and produced 205 horsepower. That 205 horsepower back in March of 1983 seemed like 500 horsepower today. When the 5.7 liter TPI V8 (230 horsepower) replaced the 5.7 liter cross-fire motor in the 1985 Corvette, it was earth-shattering.

[Eric]

Eric,

It seems strange now. However back at the beginning of the 1983 model year, the Mustang GT with its 5.0 H.O. V8 produced 175 horsepower and the Trans Am/Camaro Z28 with the LU5 5.0 liter cross-fire (dual TBI) fuel injection V8 produced 175 horsepower which made these three cars the hottest muscle cars made in the U.S. Then in March of 1983, the 1984 Corvette was released with the 5.7 liter cross-fire V8 and produced 205 horsepower. That 205 horsepower back in March of 1983 seemed like 500 horsepower today. When the 5.7 liter TPI V8 (230 horsepower) replaced the 5.7 liter cross-fire motor in the 1985 Corvette, it was earth-shattering.

I remember it well, also - and you're right, it seemed like 500 horsepower!

I got to drive several of those cars at the time; they felt pretty quick - especially compared with the K-car Krap that was in general circulation during my high school years!

[swamprat]

Eric,

It seems strange now. However back at the beginning of the 1983 model year, the Mustang GT with its 5.0 H.O. V8 produced 175 horsepower and the Trans Am/Camaro Z28 with the LU5 5.0 liter cross-fire (dual TBI) fuel injection V8 produced 175 horsepower which made these three cars the hottest muscle cars made in the U.S. Then in March of 1983, the 1984 Corvette was released with the 5.7 liter cross-fire V8 and produced 205 horsepower. That 205 horsepower back in March of 1983 seemed like 500 horsepower today. When the 5.7 liter TPI V8 (230 horsepower) replaced the 5.7 liter cross-fire motor in the 1985 Corvette, it was earth-shattering.

I remember it well, also - and you're right, it seemed like 500 horsepower!

I got to drive several of those cars at the time; they felt pretty quick - especially compared with the K-car Krap that was in general circulation during my high school years!

Even my cousin's 1984 160 HP Camaro IROC seemed pretty quick, though I'm not sure that it could burn the back tires.

[Disco Man]

Eric,

I forgot about the K-car, don't see too many on the road these days. With the early 2.2 liter K-cars doing 0-60 mph in 13 seconds, road burners they were not. And as you said it made the 205 horsepower '84 Corvette which went 0-60 mph in around 7 seconds seem pretty quick.

As a side note, I used to really laugh years ago when I saw those '81 K-cars with the optional 2.6 Mitsubishi 4 banger which had the "2.6 Hemi" badges. And how about those Shelby 2.2 liter cars - Omni GLH and Charger. Even though they were bad performers for 4 banger front wheel drive cars, I am sure Shelby looking back now wishes he never put his name to those cars. ;D

I had a friend back in 1983 whose parents owned a '67 440 Charger, and a new Aires K-car (both cars were silver). Seeing both cars parked next to each other at the time made me realize how much the times had changed for Dodge. Fortunately 24 years later, a 2007 Hemi Charger is now the daring of Dodge, so the pendulum has swung back in the right direction. I only hope it stays that way.


swamprat,

The early 3rd generation f-bodies were light on the horses but they also were about 500 to 600 lbs lighter then 2nd generation f-bodies (1970-1981) which helped in the area of performance. A base 1984 Camaro Z28 (LG4 305 4bbl) rated at 150 horsepower had decent acceleration because it only had a curb weight of slightly over 3,200 lbs. It went 0-60 mph in the high 9 second range. The optional 5.0 liter H.O. (L69) V8 in the 1984 Z28 rated at 190 horsepower was good for 0-60 mph in about 7.5 seconds. Even if one had a the base 1982 - 1987 LG4 5.0 V8 motor in their f-body (rated between 145 - 165 horsepower depending on the year), it may not have been lightening quick but they were smooth accelerators and had plenty of low end torque (240 to 245 lbs/ft of torque) which came very low on the rpm range. This equated to good spirited performance off the line, but once these cars hit about 4,000 rpms they ran out of steam real quick.

As a comparison a 1984 Nissan 300ZX turbo (200 horsepower 3.0 liter V6), the darling of the auto press at the time was slow off the line, but once the rpms climbed and the turbo kicked in, it was quick. However in normal commuting traffic light to traffic light driving, the '84 LG4 Z28 even though it had 50 horsepower less than the 300 ZX turbo, felt much more responsive off the line, since it had great low end torque when compared to the 300ZX turbo. Take the two cars to the oval track where high rpm horsepower is king, the LG4 Z28 will feel like a slug compared to the turbo 300ZX.

[Disco Man]

I forgot to mention this, but the Rockford Firebirds were personally provided to the show by Pontiac. Apparently most if not all the different Firebirds used on the show started off as non decal optioned Firebird Formulas. Pontiac swapped out the Formula hood for a standard Firebird (flat) hood. I would venture to guess that the last few Firebirds used before the show was cancelled were probably Pontiac 301 V8 powered, so its easy to see why they were weezing pulling around that heavy full size 2+2 car. Its a good thing the show was cancelled in 1980, since in 1981 they ran out of 301 V8s for the Formula towards the end of the model year and dropped in the Pontiac 265 2bbl V8 (rated at 120) instead. Angel could probably run faster than a '81 265 2bbl Formula could accelerate. ;D


[size=10pt]"Hey Jim, I can run faster than your Firebird"[/size]

[Eric]

Hi Pete!

On the K-car front, I have a story... .

When I was in my senior year in college at GMU, I had an '81 Z28 with a "stroker" 383 smallblock and 268 degree Competition Cams cam. I though it was pretty quick...

Well, one day I found myself squaring off against a new Omni GLH-S (remember them?) That little sob was QUICK! It got ahead of me off the line and I just barely managed to pass the guy (this was on Rt 50 late one night). He almost beat me, is what it came down to. I was mortified - but that day my general view of import FWD sport compacts as invariably slow pieces o' feces changed forever... some canbe (and are) impressive runners!

Another story: A few years earlier (before he wrecked it and got killed) we (me, Hank Welsh and Stu Evans) were out in the GTX 440. I was driving. A new Corvette challenged us on the Beltway. I dropped him like a bad habit! Easily! That GTX was ... FAST!

[mrblanche]

Eric,

I forgot about the K-car, don't see too many on the road these days. With the early 2.2 liter K-cars doing 0-60 mph in 13 seconds, road burners they were not. And as you said it made the 205 horsepower '84 Corvette which went 0-60 mph in around 7 seconds seem pretty quick.

Actually, you see the K Car everywhere today. We just call them Chrysler minivans. What Chrysler did was produce one basic car, then put different bodies on it. The other versions have died, but the minivan soldiers on, sometimes with some of the same problems the K cars had. Most notably a bad transmission cooler.

[Disco Man]

Eric,

I remember the OMNI GLHS very well they only made about 500 of them in 1986 and then in 1987 they remained low production. A guy who went to my high school had a brand new 4-door 1986 GLHS. He lived out in the Vienna area as I recall, he may have been the guy you raced. The hidden value of the GLHS was its light weight and fairly powerful 4 banger turbo. Dodge (with Shelby's direction) was the leader in 4 banger turbo technology. The pinnacle was the 1991 Dodge Spirit R/T which had a 2.2 liter 4 cylinder turbo that produced 224 horsepower. The '91 Dodge Spirit R/T was called back in 1991, the fastest 4-door sedan in the world (1/4 mile in mid 14 second range).


mrblanche,

Good point about the K-car platform being used for all of Chrysler's cars for most of the 1980s (except for the rear wheel drive Chrysler Fifth Avenue, Dodge Diplomat, and Plymouth Fury). The strategy of using one platform for most of its cars saved Chrysler financially, but made for some cookie cutter type cars. As for the Chrysler minivans, officially 1990 was the last year for the K-car platform minivan (called the S platform). In 1991 the Chrysler minivans used the AS platform which was new but was still derived from the K-car platform. In 1996 Chrysler went to the RS platform on its minivans, and in 2001 the NS platform, and for 2008 the new RT platform. Starting in 1996 the Chrysler minivans really did not have a platform that shared any resemblance to the old K-car platform, so technically the AS platform was the last Chrysler minivan platform that had any commonality with the K-Car platform .

[mrblanche]

OK, I'll go for cheesy TV cars. Here's one that was even a Pontiac...



By the way, do you recognize the top?



How about one of the more famous T buckets? Made from 3 1927 Model T bodies...



And a not-so-cheesy T bucket. This isn't the original Kookie Car, but rather a clone. The guy in the driver's seat is Norm Grabowski, who built the original car used on the "77 Sunset Strip" TV show.



Norm built another car that was not cheesy, but was used on one of the all-time cheesiest TV shows. Can you name the show?

[swamprat]

How about that T-bucket used in the Adams Family or was it the Munsters?